The constant rushing is driving me crazy. I can't believe it is already April. Rz went home tonight and I was feeling a little out of whack - I just needed to go back to where I know I'd always be welcome and loved. So I found myself at R's. And I had another of those moments I just know I'll remember for my entire life.
R's mother and I have always had what observers would call a "communication problem": me and my kindergarten standard Mandarin and her even-her-English-is-slightly-better-than-my-Mandarin-English. But somehow there have been a couple of times when she's said something that hits me directly. Hits home. Hits the mark. Well, just hits me awake.
This time she said (in Mandarin of course):
"When I see you I see me. Struggling. Struggling alone. Alone all the time. Preparing for a wedding alone. Hunting for a house alone. Getting everything done alone. Working at the same time. Looking after a child alone. If you need me tell me I will be able to help you. Even if it is money don't be afraid to just ask."
In that moment I felt as though my heart was suspended in mid-air as my brain translated her words at kindergarten-speed. And then I felt something cave in inside. When she used the word 'alone', I just knew that she knew I KNEW exactly what she meant. She wasn't referring to me being without Rz. She was referring to not having a mother. Not having the love and warmth of a mother's shoulder to lean on.
Helplessly I find I don't have words for her. Not any she can make sense of, nor any that I may translate into my lousy Mandarin for aiding her understanding. This is the failure of language. Not communication. Language is a hindrance.
After our mini-moment I saw what she saw too - the parallels that exist in her life and mine. The idea itself is incredible, considering that after weeks upon weeks of being ostracised, made use of, gossiped about in the office by people who speak the SAME language, I find myself facing my own past, present and future in someone who cannot use the same words I can.
What I really was burning to say was this:
"I'll be okay, just as you are okay now. Just as God has made your life into something so beautiful, despite all the grief that you had to go through, He will make something beautiful out of mine too. There were so many times I knew you were looking out for R and I, watching over us and loving us and I thank you for everything. I feel bad asking you for anything if I can help it, because your love is already a huge deal to me."
But as usual, all I managed was a feeble, "Orh (Okay), don't worry, I'm okay.." ~____~" Argggghhh sometimes I think I am more like my father than I know.
Anyway (the bit about dad is besides the point) I am still very touched by what she said (and didn't say) and its been making me cry.
This amazing woman, who happens to be my bestest friend's mum, sees the past, the present and the future. She has cried, has grieved so many times over, and yet will always laugh and love. Here is someone whose life has had so many sorrows but yet she is far from being bitter and resentful. To me this comes as a breath of life after a long period of drowning in my own self doubt.
So perhaps I really have two best friends where I thought I only had one? Whatever it is, I know that I am blessed. Blessed to have amazing friends all over the place.
- 5 April 2008 3:25am -
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